Banished
by frunglelorf
Summary: Silas Petrov betrayed the Awoken during the Reef Wars. he was banished to Venus to die for his crimes. By all rights, he never should've survived. This takes place just before House of Wolves, which I will most likely write about. I haven't played in a few years, and I was feeling kinda nostalgic for the old days of destiny. So I wrote this.
1. Chapter 1

" _As queen of the Awoken, I hereby banish you, Silas Petrov, on the grounds of high treason. stepping foot in the Reef or any Vestian Outpost will result in instant death for you, and any accomplice. That is my final word. Any last requests, before you're sent off?"_

 _He took one last sad look at Petra, before answering the queen. "No" He said. The guards led him into the ship that was waiting for him. There were a number of things he wanted to say, but he couldn't. He couldn't expose her for loving a criminal._

Silas woke from his dream. The event had happened over three years ago, yet it would still appear in his head every time he fell asleep. It was either his exile from the Reef, or his imprisonment with the Fallen that haunted his dreams. There, he would be taken to the Ishtar Sink to be abandoned. He was left with only a vestian dynasty sidearm that only contained one clip, courtesy of the queen. He knew what the sidearm was for, but he refused to even consider the option. Nobody ever survived exile. They were either killed by fallen, vex, Reef scouts, or most likely themselves to avoid the other possibilities. It was a final act of cowardice that he refused to give in to.

He'd spent only five days surviving off Venus, before the fallen found him. Then, he spent six months in that cell, where he was beaten, tortured and interrogated almost daily. After a group of guardians found his cell on a strike, he became a technician in the Tower. He worked on anything from guns, sparrows and ships, to the tower's own electricity source.

He must have made some noise waking up, because his roommate, Mark, groaned in the other room. He was a titan, who was mysteriously popular with the ladies. So naturally, sharing an apartment with him had its ups and downs. At least with a guardian as a roommate, he was usually left alone. He let himself drift back to sleep. The dreams continued until he woke up in the morning.

* * *

Mark woke up early, like usual. He slid on a pair of shorts and an undershirt. His ghost would equip his armor when he left the apartment. And as usual, Silas up before him, making coffee. He couldn't tell if Silas just had a habit of waking up early, or if he just didn't sleep.

"Morning." Silas said, while grinding coffee beans.

"Morning." Mark replied. He walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth. His hair was short, maybe two to three inches, with a slight curl. It was dark brown, almost black, and he was usually clean shaven. He ran his fingers through his hair in an attempt to style it, but quickly gave up. No matter what he did, it would always go back to curly and unorganized in a matter of hours. He walked into the kitchen and grabbed a protein bar from the cupboard.

"Coffee?" Silas asked.

"Sure. I'm going to the Reef, be back in an hour." Mark said, as Silas passed him a cup.

"If you see Petra, can you tell her that I'm sorry?" Silas asked.

"That you're… how do you know Petra?" he asked.

"I used to live in the Reef." he replied.

"Really? You never mentioned that."

"It's not something I enjoy discussing."

"Well, I won't pry."

"Thanks. See ya." Silas said, as he left. Mark knew that Silas didn't like talking about his past, and he didn't wanna push him. He met up with Selena and Alice to get a ride to the Reef. Selena was a hunter, and Alice was a warlock. They'd all known each other pretty much since their first trip to the tower. He would have gone himself, but Silas had made the coffee just the way they liked it: mixed with vodka. He left the driving to Alice.

"So… is Silas single?" Selena asked, after about a minute in space.

He nearly choked. "Why Selena, I didn't realize you were into him. I believe he is."

"Great, but I just think he's really hot. That's it." Selena had a reputation for sleeping around, so he wasn't too surprised when she said this. Whether it was true or merely fabrication, he didn't really care. It was still shocking all the same.

"Alright, I'll see what I can do. But if you don't want a relationship, don't lead him on. That guy's been through a lot."

"Like what?" She asked.

In trying to answer the question, he realized that he knew almost nothing about his roommate. He knew that he'd been rescued from a fallen prison, something known by few at that. That was all anyone could get from him. How he'd gotten there, why he was in there, what he'd gone through, all these questions were a mystery.

"I don't actually know. But he clearly has PTSD, and he's certainly got a few gnarly scars. He has to drown himself in alcohol just to get through the day. It's actually quite ugly when he doesn't."

Selena was silent for the rest of the ride over. She was probably wondering what could have possibly caused a tower technician, one of the most peaceful jobs in the city, so much trauma.

* * *

Silas was curious to see how this would play out. It was something he'd wanted to do since he first arrived in the Tower, but only now worked up the courage to do. It could also be that he was caring less and less about his own life, and so the outcome would have less of an impact on him. Still, it was something he should have done a long time ago.

He reported in. Amanda Holliday was fixing a Ceres Galliot ship, one from the Reef. He noticed she was tightening one of the axils on the lower wing too tightly. Before he could think otherwise, he commented on it.

"The axils have to be kept loose. Response timing is really important for a Model 9 such as this." He said.

"How do you know about Reef ships?" Amanda asked, puzzled.

"Sorry, I'll get to work." He took a long swig from his coffee mug, and walked over to his area of the desk. Amanda had realised by now, that what he was drinking wasn't coffee, but she didn't really care. He was just a grumpy coworker, who was probably better off with it. Although, she wasn't entirely bored with him. He was very mysterious; barely ever opened up to anybody about anything concerning him. He knew more about engineering than he let on, she just couldn't figure out why he didn't do more with his knowledge. She could also pick out a slight accent in his voice, that she didn't quite recognise. Eventually her curiosity about the strange awoken got the best of her, and she finally asked the question dreaded amongst the tower.

"Hey Silas, where are you from?"

He dropped his coffee on the floor, revealing it to have a clear tint to it. He bent over and leaned on the desk, running his fingers through his silverish blonde hair. He let out long sigh and turned around. She expected anger on his face, since her question was considered so strictly taboo it must strike some sort of nerve with him. What she saw was only sadness. Now, what he said really caught her by surprise. It wasn't what he was actually saying, she expected him to say that, it was the kindness in his voice. Something she didn't even think he was capable of.

"I'd honestly rather not talk about it, if that's okay with you." He answered, picking up the gray thermus from the ground. Exactly what she thought he'd say. They got back to work, as a frame mopped up the spill.

"I'm from the Reef." He said, after a few minutes of silence. She just nodded, as her suspicions were confirmed. They kept working in silence for another hour.

The silence was broken when four vestian ships entered the hangar. Silas reached for his concealed sidearm, and slowly walked towards the ships. Two awoken guards emerged from each ship, and pointed their guns at him.

"Hey, what's going on here?" Amanda said, getting up from here work.

"Amanda Holliday, I presume? Hand over the fugitive, and there won't be any need for violence." One of the guards said.

"Are you threatenin' me? You have no authorized business here." Amanda replied.

Silas walked up to the guard, and looked her in the eye.

"I'm not a fugitive. I got my punishment, now I ask that you leave."

"Our orders come straight from Petra Venj."

"What!?"

"Petra thinks you have more to answer for. If you don't comply, we have permission to kill you. I don't know what you two had, but it's been over for quite some time."

His face darkened, and it was a few seconds before he spoke again. "I need more vodka."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm not doing this sober."

The guard let out a sarcastic laugh, and pointed her gun at him. "Get in the fucking ship." She said.

"Now hold on just a minute," Amanda broke in. "Mr. Petrov here, is a citizen of the Last City. He received a brand new record when he arrived here. I don't know what he did in his past, but you have no right to do this. Silas, you don't have to go anywhere."

"Amanda, it's alright." Silas said. "Petra really doesn't care about me anymore?" The amount of pain in his eyes was unbearable, even to the guards. He couldn't even stand up straight without leaning against the railing.

Her tone sounded very taken it back, as she answered. "I'm sorry. She didn't seem like she did. She only said she wants you back to pay for your crimes in the way she thinks you deserve to."

"I don't have much of a choice, it seems. Well, this is my first time coming to the Reef in quite some time. Would you mind if I took a few minutes to shave and comb my hair? You can escort me to my apartment, if you'd like."

They looked at each other. "I don't see why not. But you will die if you try anything."

"Understood."

The two guards waited outside his bathroom door, as he got ready. He ran some water through his hair. He'd grown a lot of stubble since he'd last shaved, and his hair was quite long. He hadn't cut it since his imprisonment, a year ago. It went down just past his jaw. He took out his scissors, and began cutting a few inches from his scalp. It was about four inches, by the time he got it to look even.

He rubbed on some shaving cream onto his face, and pulled the straight edge razor from his drawer. He held it up against his face, but before he could even start shaving, he was crying. The only thing keeping him going was the thought that Petra still loved him as much as he loved her.

He wiped away his tears but they just kept coming. Looking at himself in the mirror, he set the razor on the counter, and removed the blade.


	2. Chapter 2

"Well that explains a lot." The ghost said, floating over his head as he regained consciousness. "The reason I could never find a guardian was because he hadn't died yet. A warlock. Interesting, I would have pegged you for a hunter."

Silas looked around. He was definitely alive. He took it all in, and sighed. He was a guardian now, that much was clear.

"It makes perfect sense to me. What's my subclass?"

"Voidwalker. Sorry I couldn't make you any robes. I would've had to tear apart the entire restroom."

"Perfectly fine. I'm Silas."

"Grey. Nice to meet you."

"Yeah, you too."

Silas looked down at his arms. The scars still showed, but they were very faint, as if they'd been there for years. There was a little blood on the sleeves of his jumpsuit, but most had gotten in the sink or on the floor. He decided to neglect it.

"What now? How long have I been dead?"

"Five minutes. We should act now, the awoken will get suspicious."

"Open up in there!" A guard shouted. "I'm won't knock again!"

"Hide yourself." He whispered, and his ghost vanished. He opened the door, and walked out.

"You ready?" The guard asked.

"I am."

"Trouble shaving?" She asked sarcastically, noticing the blood on his sleeves. He ignored her.

She handcuffed him, and they walked him back to their ship. Amanda gave him one last desperate look before they launched.

"You still there, Grey?" Silas whispered, as they arrived in the Reef. He was alone in the back seat, and out of earshot as long as he was quiet. The ghost appeared next to his head.

"I am. Oh, and Silas, I taught you some abilities while I was hidden. Your energy push and a few grenades will be available to you whenever you need them."

"Good. Thanks. What'll happen if they try to execute me?"

"They'll be disappointed."

"I see. So I can't die?"

"Only if I don't revive you."

"Can I ask you not to?"

"Absolutely not."

"Why?"

"Shh, they're about to land."

"Grey!" He whispered. But the ghost had already vanished.

"Alright, hands on the wall. I'm opening the door." The guard called back to him. He complied, and the door opened. There severe several guardians in the outpost already. Not knowing he was a citizen of the Tower, and now a guardian, they didn't interfere.

"The prisoner, Captain Venj." The first guard said, as they approached. She was just as beautiful as when he last saw her. She'd lost an eye. He felt a rush of anger, and let it subside as the guard clenched his arm tighter. She must've felt his reaction.

"Leave us."

"Yes, Captain." The two guards walked off, leaving the two of them alone.

"Silas… you're alive."

"And still a criminal?"

"It's not like that, I-"

"What do you mean 'it's not like that'?! Petra… I just… I… I was arrested. It was forceful. You gave them permission to kill me. What is it like, then?"

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told them that. I didn't mean it. I was irrational. You aided in the Wolves' betrayal, that's true, but we need your help. There's crucial information on the house of Kings, that was mentioned on one of the files you stole."

"It never made it to the Wolves."

"I know. We need your help finding it. You're still a prisoner, but you'll be released once it's recovered."

"I see. Well, it should still be on Venus. I can take you to the coordinates, but it might take a while to find the pod. I doubt it'll be in one piece, though."

"Why did you do it? Why did you betray us?" She demanded, suddenly.

He replied after a few moments. "They promised that in their revolt, they would leave our outpost untouched. That you would be safe."

"All that. Just for me. Why didn't you tell me?"

"You would've never gone along with it."

"Of course I wouldn't have gone with it! Then why didn't you tell me after? Silas, I hated you."

"You would feel responsible if you knew. I'd rather you hate me than yourself."

"But I still love you." She replied. She was calm now, and her words were soft.

He tried to respond, but choked on his words. He felt the tears coming, and kissed her before they showed. She kissed back, and before they knew it, they were locked in their embrace.

"Is this a bad time?" They broke apart, to see a young titan waiting.

"Ehem. Sorry, I'll be right with you." She said.

"It's alright, actually. I have other things to… uh... I'll be back. But warlocks, Petra? Really?" The titan walked off towards Variks.

"Warlocks?" Petra asked.

Silas shrugged it off, and began kissing her again. Petra broke away after a few seconds.

"Silas, you're practically covered in blood. What happened?"

"Oh, it's nothing. I wanted to shave before I got here, and I was a little shaky. I wiped it off with my sleeve."

"But you still have stubble. And your face isn't cut."

"I know. There's a lot I have to explain. Can it wait?"

Petra sighed. "I guess it can. It's been a while, let's just enjoy the fact that you're not dead. We can talk about all that later."

"Great. Do you ever get a break from this post?"

"In two hours I'll be off for the night."

"Perfect. Let's talk then. I'll meet you back here. Do you mind if I do a little shopping?"

"Go ahead. Not sure you'll find what you're looking for, though."

"I think I will. See you in a bit."

He walked off to find the titan. He found someone else first. Mark and his friends were huddled in the corner.

"Mark!" He whispered. Mark turned, and his face flashed with relief.

"Silas, what the hell is going on?! I mentioned you, and Petra lost her shit. I rushed to the Tower, but they beat me there. Why is the bathroom covered in blood? And what kind of trouble are you in?"

"It's a long story, I-"

"Damnit, Silas! That's always how it is with you! Long story, huh? Well I don't need reasons, I just need to know what happened. Why did I have to clean up blood, and why were you arrested?"

"I killed myself, Mark! And I was arrested, because I'm a traitor to the Reef."

"So, I take it you're a guardian now." He said, calmly.

"Warlock, apparently."

"Does anybody else know?"

"Not yet. But I don't think that matters. I just don't want Petra knowing I tried to kill myself."

Selena broke in. "Are you two a thing?"

"I think so. Why is that important?"

"No reason at all."

"So what'll happen to you?" Mark asked.

"I need to help them find the files I stole. That's why I was banished, or at least part of why."

"And after that?"

"I'll be free. At least that's what Petra said."

"You're going to need help, then."

"No need to involve yourself in this. Now I'm going to buy some robes and a proper gun. Please just stay out of this. I'm not really sure what's coming."

"No way. I've been a guardian for a while. I can handle whatever's coming far better than you can. Take these."

He transferred some armor, guns, and glimmer to Grey, via his own ghost. Silas shimmered for a few seconds, and a set of quality, light blue robes appeared on him. A hand cannon appeared at his belt, as well.

"T-thank you." Silas said. "I mean, I guess we could use help. It's not really up to me, though. I don't see how it's your fight, but if you want to help, talk to Petra."

"I will."

"So will we." Selena said, putting her hand on Alice.

"Yeah." Alice said. "And I can teach you about being a warlock."

"I… don't know what to say. I'm in your debt. All of you."

"Don't mention it."

"Mr. Petrov-" A guard started, but cut herself off, noticing his armor. She became tense, and reached for her sidearm. "You're a guardian?"

"No. I just thought I could use some armor if I'm going to be in the field. Titan was too heavy, hunter too light, and I wouldn't feel right wearing Vestian armor. I'm not part of the Reef anymore."

"Of course. Understandable. Variks wishes to speak with you."

"What does he want?"

"That's between you and him."

Silas approached Variks. He was just as he remembered him. Old, hunched over, creepy.

"Well, if it isn't Silas the Liar. And you're a guardian now. I sense the light on you, however weak in may be." Variks said, in his native tongue. "I wished I'd never see you again."

"You called me over just to say that?" Silas replied, in the same dialect.

"Of course not. I called you over to give you the information on our current mission." He handed him a small tablet. "The Kings have been giving us lots of trouble lately. Hopefully, with the information you stole, we can gain the upper hand in defeating them. Look through those files. They should contain everything you need to know."

"Petra didn't tell you to do this." Silas said, with a curious look on his face. The notion had suddenly appeared to him.

"No, she didn't. Just don't mistake this as an act of friendship."

"Wouldn't think of it. But thank you anyway. And let's keep this guardian thing between us."

Variks nodded, and Silas left.

Silas hid behind a corner, and held out his hand. He often noticed guardians doing this when they wanted their ghosts to appear. He tried a few different angles, and nothing happened.

"Grey!" He said, not knowing how else to trigger his appearance.

The ghost appeared over his hand.

"Yes?"

"Would you mind downloading these files Variks gave me?"

Grey scanned over the tablet, and then looked back up to Silas.

"Done. You should skim through them, though. It would probably come in useful."

"What are they about?"

"Mostly maps, and potential locations the missing pod landed. A few reports on high ranking Kings near the areas, and stuff like that."

"Right. I'll look through it later tonight. Thanks." He lowered his hand to his side, and Grey vanished.

"Mr. Petrov." A guard said, walking up to him. "We'd appreciate it if you stayed in our sight. And I'm going to have to confiscate that gun." She pointed to the hand cannon on his belt, and held out her hand.

"Of course." Silas said, handing it to her.

Another guard walked up, with an officer's badge on her chest. "He should have some means of self defense." She said. "We'll be going into the field in a couple of days, and he won't last long without a gun. Besides, this may seem like a hostile environment for him. We want him to feel safe." She took the hand cannon, and gave it back to Silas.

"Thank you." Silas said. "Silas Petrov."

"Lieutenant Agnes Zorin."

"You commanded a squadron against the Wolves. I remember you. I apologize for my actions, I must have added greatly to your burden. How about you hold onto the gun for me? I know I'm not trusted, and I'd hate to add any unnecessary stress-"

"Nonsess. That's in the past. It doesn't matter now. And please, keep it. You'd be the only unarmed person in the entire outpost, if you didn't. Besides, you'd have to be a fool to use it here."

"Well, if you say so." he replied, putting the gun back in it's holster.

The first guard looked suspiciously at it. "Where did you get that?"

"Here." He replied. "Petra said I could shop for supplies."

"We don't sell omolon in the Reef."

"Well, of course." Silas knew they didn't sell omolon. He cursed at himself for being so careless. "I bought it from a guardian. He was about to dismantle it for parts, and so I stepped in and offered him a good price."

"And your robes?"

"Ira." Officer Zorin said, commandingly. "Leave Mr. Petrov in peace. He's only trying to go about his day."

"Yes, officer. I apologize for my disrespect."

"Oh, there's no need." Silas replied.

The two guards walked off, and Silas lifted his palm once more. Grey materialized a few inches above it.

"Yes?" Grey asked.

"Can we talk about my abilities?"

"I've done all I can. You just need to practice. Now, I think you should be honest with Petra. You're going to be under her constant supervision, and you need to be able to practice your abilities freely. If you spend all your time hiding them, you won't be able to grow and-"

Silas waved his hand, and Grey disappeared.

"And now I'm getting life advice from a little ball of light." He said, with a chuckle.

He sighed. Grey was right. He just didn't know what to say to her. He'd have to tell her that he'd died, and he couldn't think up a lie that was better than the truth. If he didn't explain his death, she'd assume he was killed in the wilderness of Venus, or tortured to death in the fallen prison.

He had to tell her the truth. Not just because it was easier, but because it was the right thing to do. He'd done enough lying.

He looked over to see Mark and the others talking with Petra. A minute later, they were shaking hands. She must've agreed to let them help. Good. He just hoped none of them mentioned he was a guardian. He wanted to tell her himself. After all, he told her that he would.

He didn't really have anything better to do, so he walked over to a secluded area of the outpost and sat against the wall. Mark joined him eventually.

"She agreed to let us help. It wasn't hard convincing her of our use. However… we're also going to be placed under watch, of course. At least while we're with you. So we don't try to kidnap you or anything like that."

"Thanks." Silas replied. "You're a good friend. You didn't have to do this."

"Don't mention it. I remember becoming a guardian like it was yesterday. I was so scared and confused. But I wasn't alone. Thank the Traveler I wasn't alone. And I don't want you to be either."

Silas nodded, and they sat in silence for a while.

"Well, it's getting late. I should get back to my ship, Alice and Selena are waiting. I'll see you tomorrow morning."

"See you later, then."

Mark summoned his ghost, and vanished a few seconds later. Silas knew Petra would be off duty soon, so he walked back over to where she stood. He had nothing else to do, and it was time he faced her again.

He walked up to her, and she smiled.

"The robes suit you." She said. "I spoke with your friends. They'll be joining us tomorrow during our search. Now, I believe you owed me a couple explanations."

"What do you want to know?"

"What happened to you on Venus? How did you get to the tower? Why didn't you contact me sooner?"

"Well… let's see. I spent five days on Venus, before the Fallen captured me. They had me imprisoned for six months. I was interrogated daily. A few guardians eventually found me while on a strike or something. I've been a tower technician ever since. I wanted to reach out to you, believe me. I just… I wasn't sure how you'd react."

"I would've been thrilled to know you were alive. For fuck's sake, Silas! You could've at least reached out to me! Given me some fucking hint to your condition. A simple telegram saying, "I'm okay, you can stop crying yourself to sleep every night" would've done. Do you really not trust me, of all people?"

"I… I'm sorry. You're right. I wanted to believe you still cared, I just couldn't. Those files I stole, all the information they had on us, the Kings, the Reef… how could anyone still love me after that?"

"Silas, I hate what you did, but that didn't change how I feel. Not for a second."

Silas was filled with so many emotions at once. The relief he felt was miserable, yet it was coated with shame. He had been so fucking wrong about everything. So while he loved hearing these words come out of her mouth, it hurt to hear them. Everything was his fault. That was undeniable. It hurt hearing these words, but he needed to keep her from bringing up the blood. He really didn't want to lie to her. He didn't have a lie planned. But he also wasn't ready to tell her. Not like this. Not now. There were too many emotions.

"So about the blood. What happened? The guards didn't hurt you, did they?"

"I started it." Silas lied instinctively. He hated himself so much in that moment. He wanted to punch himself. He was disgusted. Revolted. It made him sick to his stomach just thinking about what to say next. "I had a few words on my mind while being handcuffed, and one of them pushed me up against the wall a little harder than she meant. My nose bled a little, that's it. She never meant to hurt me."

"That's a lie. You know that's a lie, and you wanted me to know. What's wrong with you?! You've only been here a couple hours, and you've already lied to me so much."

"Alright." Silas replied. He felt the tears building up. As much as he hated lying, he would hate himself even more for making her feel guilty. He reached out his hand to summon Grey.

"Wait…" Petra said. "You aren't ready to tell me. I'm sorry I pried. I know you'll tell me everything in your own time. You always do."

Silas took a deep breath and exhaled. He wiped his eyes and hugged her.

"I'm sorry." He said. "I'm so sorry. I'll never lie to you again. I promise."

"It's alright. Get some sleep. We have a long day tomorrow." She paused for a moment and blushed slightly. "Silas, why don't you sleep in my room tonight. I've missed you."

"I would like that." He replied, and kissed her one more time.


	3. Chapter 3

Silas looked around Petras room. It was small, like all the rooms on the outpost. It was a one room dorm, with metal walls and a small bed. Her medals hung from a bulletin board, and her closet only held a few changes of clothes, none casual. These rooms were never built for comfort. Comfort was a foreign concept to the people of the outposts. Silas never minded, though. He never cared for expensive luxuries. Supplies were always cut thin, both in the Reef and on Earth. It wouldn't feel right for him to be wealthy when others starve on the streets.

Petra had a few pictures and drawings hanging up. Some on the bulletin board, others taped to various spaces around the shiny silver walls. Some of the drawing were of him. Or, how he looked three years ago. He'd aged quite a bit in those three years. He could've been mistaken for a different person now. His eyes lacked the same life, and he hadn't smiled that way in years. Or perhaps he'd always looked this way, and that was just how Petra saw him. Maybe she still saw him like that.

He lifted his palm and summoned Grey.

"Yes?" Grey said.

"Why me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why did you choose me? Out of all the dead people in the world, why me?"

"In all honesty, I have no idea. No ghost _chooses_ their guardian. We just know somehow. You weren't looking for a motivational speech, were you?"

"No. I was curious, that's all." In all honesty, Silas might've appreciated the reassurance. For the past three years, all his thoughts toward himself had been negative. He had good reason, it's not like he'd done anything worth celebrating. He commited treason, with fairly selfish motives. His reasons for not contacting petra earlier were pure cowardice. He could have contacted her as soon as he landed in the tower, but he didn't. He didn't even tell her he was alive. He caused her pain, because he was afraid of what would happen. So, out for the blue, he sent his best friend to blindly deliver the news. He wondered how he'd fallen so low. When was the breaking point in his decency? The past three years he'd tried convincing himself it was bravery that kept his from pulling the trigger. But he knew all along that was a lie. He was afraid to die. But killing himself in the bathroom wasn't bravery either. He'd simply gotten so low that he didn't fear death anymore, cause whatever awaited him would've been better than life. There's a difference between being brave and just not being afraid. Right now, Silas wasn't sure what he was. He spent so long feeling utterly numb, that these emotions were foreign to him. He was afraid of them, but he wanted to face them out of bravery. He couldn't let himself grow numb again.

Grey looked around the room, floating about and scanning over things.

"Oh, that's you." he said, looking at the drawing. "Is this Petra's room then?"

"Yeah. That really looks like me?"

"Well you've changed your hair. But otherwise, exactly."

Silas smiled. It felt awkward and took a bit of effort. The muscles in his face had weakened a bit, but he was still capable of it. This made him happy, for some odd reason.

"Do you think I'll be a good guardian?" Silas asked.

"I do." Grey replied. "You have a certain wisdom that most guardians lack."

Silas smiled again and sat down on the bed. "Thank you." He said. "That's reassuring."

"Anytime. But listen. Petra's going to find out sooner or later. And-"

"I know. I'm going to tell her tomorrow. She's already emotional enough as it is, she doesn't need to know that I tried to kill myself."

"Fair enough. But you're going to be out in the field tomorrow, fighting Fallen. I get the feeling you haven't touched a gun since you landed in the tower. You're going to die, and I'm going to have to revive you. I'd be best to tell her before that happens."

"Alright. The guardian part will be easy. I suppose I don't need to say it all at once." Silas laid down on the bed and looked up at the ceiling and pulled the tablet from his coat pocket. "I think I'll read through Variks' files."

He already knew most of what was in there, just through his experience with the Reef, the Wolves, and the Kings. They included possible locations of the files that he'd dropped, however, none of them were accurate. He never made it to the rendezvous point, where he was going to meet the Wolves. His ship was shot down by a Reef agent, and he supposedly dropped the files while going down. In reality, he dropped them as soon as he noticed he was being followed. This was about seventy miles from any of the locations in Variks's report. The info on the Kings was all useful, however. And he was sure it was accurate. There were three high ranking King captains in the area, each with generous amounts of guards. He recognised one of the names, Grakis the Hound. It had been years since he last thought about him. He'd fought his soldiers long before the Reef Wars, during scouting missions on Venus. He'd have to share it with Petra later, if Variks hadn't already.

He sat down on Petra's bed, and leaned against the wall. He hadn't realized just how tired he was until now. It had been a long day.

Petra walked into her room about an hour after Silas did. He was already asleep on her bed, completely sprawled out. She changed into something more casual, and laid down next to him. It was a small bed, made for a small room, but they'd always made it work. She couldn't imagine the day he had. She doubted he expected to be arrested the way he was. And… she knew he felt despair over the whole ordeal, and this was, in a way, her own fault. She warrented his arrest and gave the officers the impression that she didn't care for Silas, which gave Silas the same impression. Silas was nowhere near innocent either, but that didn't matter to her.

Still, they were together now, and that's all that was important. Yesterday, she would've thought the very notion to be impossible. Yet here they lay, in each other's arms, her slowly drifting off to sleep. Things hadn't been this good in over three years.

She woke to Silas mumbling. He was sweating and had began twitching a bit. He progressively became louder and more frantic, as the mumbling went on.

"No… no… I already told you everything, I'm nobody… no… Please! I don't know anything! ...no, no, NO! Not this again… Please! …hehe you fucking bastard… let me die, Grey. Why not? The torture… no more, no more, no more-"

Petra had heard enough. She shook him awake.

"Silas! Wake up, it's all a dream."

Silas's eyes shot open, and he sat up. He was breathing heavily, and his eyes were bloodshot.

"Silas…" she said touching his face.

"I'm alright. At least I am now. Did I tell you what happened after I was exiled? The Wolves found me. They were furious, they thought I broke our agreement. I was tortured everyday for six months, until one day I was rescued by guardians and taken to the Tower. I've had these dreams almost every night since."

She was fighting to hold back tears. "You… you were begging for death. Did it really get that bad?"

"There were times that I thought about it. But I never really wanted to die. I had you."

"I looked for you, you know. I wanted to bring you back and hide you somewhere. And if I couldn't do that, I wanted to at least give you a proper burial. I searched for over a year, for any trace of you, just one clue that you were still out there somewhere. Eventually I had to stop and accept that you were gone. But I never stopped thinking about you."

"Petra, I need to tell you something. And I'm not going to say it all at once. It's going to be painful for both of us, but you need to know this. It'll may even help keep us alive on the field. Petra, a lot has happened since I last saw you, I've… changed. I'm a… here, why don't I just show you."

He held out his palm, and a ghost appeared several inches above it.

"Petra, meet Grey. He's my ghost. I'm a guardian, now."


	4. Chapter 4

(Sorry about the short chapter and long wait. Not sure when I'll be able to post again, but I'll try to get on a more regular schedule when I can)

The room was silent for about ten seconds, besides the ambient clambering of vents and machinery. Silas felt the panic slowly set in. Why wasn't she saying anything? The Silence was unbearable.

"I should give you some time." Silas said, getting up.

"Wait." Petra said. "Don't go. I've had enough time in the three years you were gone. But I'd like to ask you a few questions."

"Alright. I'll do my best to answer truthfully. What do you want to know?"

"How did this happen?"

Silas clenched his jaw and sat back down. Without speaking, he rolled up his sleeves and showed her the scars. They appeared long since healed, but it was still obvious that it had once been a deep and nasty wound. The scars followed his veins, spanning from his elbow down to his wrist. The cuts had been clean and efficient, made for a somewhat quick death, despite how painful it had been.

Tears were rolling down Petra's face but she was managing to keep it together.

"You… just told me you never wanted to die. When… when did this happen?" She asked.

Silas clenched his jaw harder. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out.

"Silas, please." Petra said. Her hands were shaking and her lip was now quivering.

"Yesterday morning."

She cried for a few seconds before regaining her composure. Silas hated seeing her cry, and he hated making her cry even more. But he knew this needed to be said. She wouldn't stop asking until she got her answers, and his conscience wouldn't be clean until he told her.

"Was it because of the orders I gave? Because of me?"

"Yes. But it's not your fault."

They cuddled for the rest of the night. She cried softly for another hour. He'd never seen her cry like this before. She cried a little when he was arrested, but that was different. She was crying out of confusion and anger back then, and was able to collect herself and try to find a solution once she understood the situation. Things were different now. It was a healing cry. Her tears came from a place of despair and grief. There was nothing she could do about what had happened, even though she unknowingly played a part in it. She needed this.

No matter how hard he wanted to, Silas couldn't bring himself to cry too. It wouldn't feel right. He wasn't sure if he should be feeling guilty, but he did. His suicide wasn't selfish. He genuinely thought she didn't care for him. There was nothing to regret. He was still here. In fact, now he couldn't die. He was better off than before. So why did he feel so awful? Of course. The intention was still the same. He wanted to kill himself then. He wanted to die so he could bring an end to his own pain. That was what was making Petra cry. And that intention he once held would always be a part of him. The scars, the memory, the intention, _the shame_ , all of it. He would never forget dying for the first time. And he would always remember why he died. Especially why he died. He would carry it for the rest of his life. He didn't want Petra to blame herself, but he knew she already did. She would carry the guilt with her as well. Possibly forever. And he doubted there was anything he could ever do to change that.

"I'm not going to be able to sleep." She said eventually.

"Me neither." Silas replied.

"Let's go drink. Guardians can't get hungover, right?"

"I'm sure Grey could arrange that."

Petra wiped her eyes and chuckled. "Let's go to the Tower. I've heard the guardians have a nice bar."

"They do." Silas replied. "But do you really think we should leave?"

"After everything you just told me, why the fuck not? I need to get out, anyway."

"Yeah, me too." Silas said. "I should probably let some people know I'm okay. Besides, I definitely owe you a date. It's been a while. And I could use a drink."

They took Petra's ship. It hadn't changed a bit since Silas had last rode in it over three years ago. It was still messy, some of the trash might've even been the same. It was funny, he had no idea he still remembered all these little details about her, such as the way she tapped her fingers on the control wheel, or how she always gazed out the windshield at the galaxy when flying.

"How will they react when we get to the tower?" Petra asked.

"Well, the last time they saw me, I was being arrested. I'm sure they'll be pleased that I'm alright. Amanda and the Vanguard may have some questions, but I doubt it'll escalate past that."

"Good. We can't afford a conflict with the Tower."

They made it through the atmosphere and the Last City eventually came into view. Silas hadn't seen it like this in over three years. Petra slowed the ship down as they got closer to the tower's hangar. She began preparing the ship to land. He knew something was wrong as soon as she landed. It was way too empty. He'd never seen it this empty before. The bay door closed behind them and several guardians ran out with guns pointed at the ship. The three members of the Vanguard were among them.

"Come out with your hands up!" He heard Holliday's voice boom from over the loud speaker. "Nice and easy, I'm sure y'all know better than to try anything."

"Hey, Silas?" Petra asked.

"Yeah?"

"I think it might've escalated."


End file.
